I have Scabies. When I couldn't deny it any longer, I went to a dermatologist. The only dermatologist who would see me on short notice (ie: in less than several months time) had a very swanky office with all kinds of brochures on Collagen injections and laser hair removal. I clearly did not belong, and the dermatologist acted accordingly. He seemed offended that I was even in his office.

He confirmed that I do indeed have scabies, and wrote me a prescription for Elimite. I have some malignant-looking moles on my back, so he removed one of those. While he was removing the mole, I was trying to ask him questions about melanoma, but his answers were all insanely condescending.

"Melanoma is what we call 'cancer'. There are these other things called 'cells', and cancer affects these things called 'cells' in a bad way..."

I really couldn't believe his arrogance, but by the time he'd removed the mole he was finished talking about skin cancer. So then I mentioned "You know, I have this discoloration on my neck here."

He put on his magnifying glasses, looked at my neck intently, and asked how long I'd had the discoloration. I said that it'd been there for about three months.

He looked at it for a while, then he reached over, grabbed a cotton swab, dipped it in rubbing alcohol, and rubbed part of the spot on my neck. He looked at the swab, shook his head, and showed it to me.

"Dirt." "I don't know what the medical term for that is, but I'd recommend soap."

Then he walked out.